Last weekend, I was on a team with some students from my school for an online math competition. One of the students on the team (let’s call her Student-A) who was from another grade had a Chinese name, so I assumed that she was Chinese or ethnically Chinese. When we met at school, I was “relieved” to come up and suggest, “Let’s talk in Chinese!” But of course it didn’t go well in the reality. Having heard my words, Student-A smiled awkwardly and said, “I’m not very good at Chinese.”

Despite this, Student-A spoke Chinese with me that day. We also spoke Chinese during the preparation right before the competition, when it was just the two of us talking. Actually, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with her Chinese—I was even a little surprised that she knew the Chinese word for a math terminology like calculus. So, I speculated as I apologized for my rudeness in my mind: Is she so used to hearing people say she is not good at Chinese that she is not confident in herself? I thought she was excellent and she probably knew a lot of Chinese.

But then, when other team members were there, we just talked in English. After the competition, when only the two of us talked together, we also used English. I have to say, shamefully, that when talking about topics related to our school and school work, I’ll probably be a little less stumbling if I use English. I also tried to find excuses for myself: If I talked to with Student-A in English, she would actually be more comfortable, right? We didn’t really know each other before, so I should’ve been more considerate of her.

But, but—I do understand English, yet English is not my language.

I have been in an international school for a few years now, and I have never forgotten my mother tongue. I feel proud and lucky.

I am proud that I have been listening and reading in my mother tongue. I am proud that I have been working hard to learn IB Chinese literature. I am proud that I have been writing in my native language even outside of class (not at a particularly great level though 😅). Because of all these things, I could see a wider world and convey my thoughts to a wider audience.

I am lucky that my family did not make me leave my native language environment in grade 7, grade 8, or even in primary, so I could be immersed in an environment where teaching and instructions are in Chinese for a few more years. However, some of my friends left home early, and I don’t know if they continued to learn their mother tongue.

I don’t want to criticize anyone, let alone despise anyone. There are so many reasons for leaving a native language environment, and many of the reasons involve things that are simply out of personal control. Actually, I admire my friends who left home early, became independent quickly, and gradually adapted to their new environments. Moreover, I truly aspire to their excellence and mental strength. Based on my own experience, it’s hard to leave a native language environment and adapt to a new one. I guess it’s the same for them. After all, a person’s mother tongue is closely related to his/her identity and culture, which are probably deeply rooted in everyone’s heart. Not everyone is the same as some ridiculous politicians who are ashamed of their identity all day long.

It might sound condescending, but I still feel deeply sorry for those who have consciously or accidentally forgotten their native language, or those whose mother tongue skills have largely declined. Like many people, I was once lost and confused. I once thought, “How wonderful it would be if my mother tongue was English?” And I wanted to learn English to a native level. But what about Chinese…? I thought at the time, it probably wouldn’t matter anymore. However, I slowly, slowly realized that knowing Chinese is really good.

I realized this because of one of my teachers. Once, she happened to learn that I read Chinese textbooks in addition to English textbooks. Unexpectedly, she immediately yelled out with great excitement, “That’s fantastic! I didn’t know that you could read academic materials in Chinese! That’s really, really great.” It was only then that I realized reading academic materials in Chinese was a skill. It was so late for me to realize. I had always benefited from knowing Chinese, but had never recognized its importance.

I also realized something more. When I read the delicate and thoughtful literature works in my IB Chinese literature class, when I feel the subtleties in the tiny details of the texts, when I write down what I see, hear and feel in Chinese freely, I start to feel something much more precious than the practical value of the Chinese language—Chinese has allowed me to enjoy the beauty of language and literature with the most genuine emotional experience.

Speaking of mother tongues, I remember a classmate I met in my German language class, Classmate-B. Classmate-B is a dual citizen of the US and Germany. She said that her father was German, but her father never taught her German, and she didn’t know why. Having grown up in the US, Classmate-B naturally speaks English on a daily basis. English should have been enough for her, because after all, it is a world language. But she still came to Germany and stayed with her German-speaking uncle to learn German. She wanted to apply for a German university after she leaves school, because universities in Germany are free.

German could have been a mother tongue for Classmate-B, and she could have learned it naturally, little by little, as she grew up. But now, she needs to put in the extra effort to learn it. I guess, German would still be a foreign language for her, instead of her language.

If you ask me: What are the benefits of learning your mother tongue? I think, even in the most utilitarian sense, it would avoid troubles such as Classmate-B’s. Not to mention the spiritual wealth that comes from mastering your mother tongue, which is truly priceless.

Chinese is my mother tongue, my language. In an international environment, I am still able to use my mother tongue. I am proud of this.

This article is not “short” anymore 😂 But I don’t want to start a new series for now, and I don’t bother coming up with a name for a new series, so I’ll leave it as it is. There are lots of thoughts, but my honest thoughts. Thank you for reading this far.

I mentioned “a language that I understand” and “my language” many times in the article. That was inspired by a poster in a German classroom at our school. The original (mis)quote¹ on the poster was:

If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. —Nelson Mandela